I think a better title for this post might be "Back to Training with The Bitch", but that wouldn't be nice. And it wasn't as hard today as it has been in the past.
I did my "Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred" video. It's only a 20 minute video, so I'll do some cardio later. Still, that woman really works your body. Makes you want to cry. Definitely makes me sweat. I'm starting to like that. Last time I did the video, I didn't sweat at all. Either I needed to step it up to level 2 or working harder on level 1. I think I needed level 2, but I was honestly afraid of moving to the next level.
I think I'm afraid of making any progress. In fact, thinking about it right now, terrifies me. I'm afraid of what will be expected of me. Right now, I can barely keep up with my day, what will it be like if I lose the weight? I'm just not sure what I can handle right now. I know that as I lose the weight I can handle more, but it just really scares me.
Exercising brings back so many painful memories and events. Interestingly enough, swimming doesn't do it to me. Just when I work out hard. Clearly, I need to work out more and deal with all that pain. If I can rid myself of it once and for all, then maybe I can start to live.
Showing posts with label Shower epiphany. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shower epiphany. Show all posts
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Pain and Working Out
I was working out this morning and when I finished with my workout and was cooling down before my shower, this thought popped in my head. I stop working out periodically because it hurts. I know that sounds kind of like a duh! moment but there's more to it. When it hurts I begin to feel alive. And when I feel alive, emotionally I hurt. I start to remember all these painful events in my life. After a while it starts to hurt so much that numb is a welcome relief.
My mother told me a story from when she was in her early 20's. Her brother had been in a motorcycle accident and had recently died. She had been feeling sorry for herself, which was understandable, but not very helpful. She had asked the question why was this happening to her. Now, understand she and her brother were very close and she was hurting a lot. Mom's grandmother, well she got annoyed with Mom feeling so sorry for herself. She looked at my mom and said, "Why not you?" My mom was stunned. How could her grandmother, who she adored, be so cruel in her moment of agony. Gram went on to explain.
"No one gets out of life without hurting. If you're in pain, then you're alive. And that's better than the alternative."
I know she didn't say anything about the good times, or times when she was happy. She didn't comfort my mom, she didn't reassure her, she just insisted my mom look at reality. My mom should be grateful for the pain cause it meant she wasn't dead. Pain was a gift. It hurt but it was better to live with the pain than to be numb and dead inside.
I've been numb inside for 15 years. Gram was right. Pain is hard but it's better than numb.
Time to workout more and feel more alive. It may hurt for a while but if I keep it up eventually all the pains and injuries will subside. And alive will be full of joy and happiness.
Thank you Gram. Thank you God.
My mother told me a story from when she was in her early 20's. Her brother had been in a motorcycle accident and had recently died. She had been feeling sorry for herself, which was understandable, but not very helpful. She had asked the question why was this happening to her. Now, understand she and her brother were very close and she was hurting a lot. Mom's grandmother, well she got annoyed with Mom feeling so sorry for herself. She looked at my mom and said, "Why not you?" My mom was stunned. How could her grandmother, who she adored, be so cruel in her moment of agony. Gram went on to explain.
"No one gets out of life without hurting. If you're in pain, then you're alive. And that's better than the alternative."
I know she didn't say anything about the good times, or times when she was happy. She didn't comfort my mom, she didn't reassure her, she just insisted my mom look at reality. My mom should be grateful for the pain cause it meant she wasn't dead. Pain was a gift. It hurt but it was better to live with the pain than to be numb and dead inside.
I've been numb inside for 15 years. Gram was right. Pain is hard but it's better than numb.
Time to workout more and feel more alive. It may hurt for a while but if I keep it up eventually all the pains and injuries will subside. And alive will be full of joy and happiness.
Thank you Gram. Thank you God.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Thursday Morning
Okay, I've gotten my power sculpt video in, so that's 30 minutes of exercise. I've had one bottle of water, so that's a quarter done. I'll either walk later or do my cardio video. I'm trying to have all my water before dinner tonight. Dinner is at 6 so we'll see if I make it.
I had a shower epiphany this morning. I've started to eat when I'm angry. I used to eat when I was depressed, which a very dear friend and psychologist told me was anger turned inward. So, I think if I'm feeling that anger than it's a step in the right direction. Instead of getting sad and blaming myself I'm starting to feel that anger and directing at the right place. At least I'm trying to. Sometimes, I do misdirect it at my loving husband and my beautiful daughter. I'm working on that though.
So, before I go any farther let me state, I am in no way blaming anyone else for my actions. This is merely an observation of MY actions and an idea for what to do to counter my behavior. I don't want anyone to think I expect the people around me to change and work to not anger me, this isn't their problem. It is all mine. I don't expect people to walk on egg shells to keep me from overeating. I have to change my reaction to my anger.
Okay, so a few days ago, I got very angry at my husband. It doesn't matter why, we've worked that out. But it did make me think. I wound up going to the grocery store in the evening, which I really don't like to do, to pick up a couple of items I needed for dinner. I was seething. I was at the checkout line when I saw a big, and I mean big, Hershey's Symphony chocolate bar. It had toffee chips in it too. One thing I really love is toffee. I bought the chocolate bar. I figured I'd eat a bit of it and save the rest for another day. BIG MISTAKE. I wound up eating the whole thing. On the way home from the grocery store. I did it out of anger. I was mad at my husband and refused to talk to him about it. I wound up hurting me more than him. Except when I hurt, he hurts, so I hurt us both. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't even think, I just reacted.
So, what should I do the next time I am faced with anger at someone. Well, I've been pondering that subconsciously for a few days. This is where my epiphany comes into the picture. When I was in my early 20's I had 3 roommates. They used to make me angry all the time. I wasn't 140 pounds overweight then, so what did I do with that anger I wondered. Then while in the shower I remembered what I used to do. I would get really mad and walk out of the house. I would go for a long walk. I didn't walk to the store, or to the kitchen, I would walk around the neighborhood. I'd be gone for an hour or two sometimes just depending on how angry I was.
I've decided I need to start doing that again. I remembered how hard it was to be angry when I was tired from a walk. It takes a lot of energy to keep up that kind of anger. So, if I channel my anger at my husband, my daughter, my dad, God, the world, whoever into a walk I do two things. One, I change a scary and unhealthy behavior. Two, I get more exercise. I figure if my hubby makes me mad then I need to go walk until I'm so tired I can't work up the energy to be angry at him anymore. Then I need to go one step further and forgive him before I come in the house. If I can't forgive him yet, then I need to keep walking, I don't have all the anger worked out yet. Now, I know him and he (or someone else) will say, "That's a fantastic idea. But you live in snow country, what if it's snowing and not safe for you to be out walking?" Excellent question, I already thought of an answer. I have lots of exercise videos. I will come into the bedroom, close the door and do one or more of them.
So, I have a new plan and I'm ready. Go ahead, make me angry, I'll be back in a bit, after my walk, I'll have forgiven you for making me angry and be ready to discuss it rationally.
I had a shower epiphany this morning. I've started to eat when I'm angry. I used to eat when I was depressed, which a very dear friend and psychologist told me was anger turned inward. So, I think if I'm feeling that anger than it's a step in the right direction. Instead of getting sad and blaming myself I'm starting to feel that anger and directing at the right place. At least I'm trying to. Sometimes, I do misdirect it at my loving husband and my beautiful daughter. I'm working on that though.
So, before I go any farther let me state, I am in no way blaming anyone else for my actions. This is merely an observation of MY actions and an idea for what to do to counter my behavior. I don't want anyone to think I expect the people around me to change and work to not anger me, this isn't their problem. It is all mine. I don't expect people to walk on egg shells to keep me from overeating. I have to change my reaction to my anger.
Okay, so a few days ago, I got very angry at my husband. It doesn't matter why, we've worked that out. But it did make me think. I wound up going to the grocery store in the evening, which I really don't like to do, to pick up a couple of items I needed for dinner. I was seething. I was at the checkout line when I saw a big, and I mean big, Hershey's Symphony chocolate bar. It had toffee chips in it too. One thing I really love is toffee. I bought the chocolate bar. I figured I'd eat a bit of it and save the rest for another day. BIG MISTAKE. I wound up eating the whole thing. On the way home from the grocery store. I did it out of anger. I was mad at my husband and refused to talk to him about it. I wound up hurting me more than him. Except when I hurt, he hurts, so I hurt us both. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't even think, I just reacted.
So, what should I do the next time I am faced with anger at someone. Well, I've been pondering that subconsciously for a few days. This is where my epiphany comes into the picture. When I was in my early 20's I had 3 roommates. They used to make me angry all the time. I wasn't 140 pounds overweight then, so what did I do with that anger I wondered. Then while in the shower I remembered what I used to do. I would get really mad and walk out of the house. I would go for a long walk. I didn't walk to the store, or to the kitchen, I would walk around the neighborhood. I'd be gone for an hour or two sometimes just depending on how angry I was.
I've decided I need to start doing that again. I remembered how hard it was to be angry when I was tired from a walk. It takes a lot of energy to keep up that kind of anger. So, if I channel my anger at my husband, my daughter, my dad, God, the world, whoever into a walk I do two things. One, I change a scary and unhealthy behavior. Two, I get more exercise. I figure if my hubby makes me mad then I need to go walk until I'm so tired I can't work up the energy to be angry at him anymore. Then I need to go one step further and forgive him before I come in the house. If I can't forgive him yet, then I need to keep walking, I don't have all the anger worked out yet. Now, I know him and he (or someone else) will say, "That's a fantastic idea. But you live in snow country, what if it's snowing and not safe for you to be out walking?" Excellent question, I already thought of an answer. I have lots of exercise videos. I will come into the bedroom, close the door and do one or more of them.
So, I have a new plan and I'm ready. Go ahead, make me angry, I'll be back in a bit, after my walk, I'll have forgiven you for making me angry and be ready to discuss it rationally.
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