Thursday Morning

Okay, I've gotten my power sculpt video in, so that's 30 minutes of exercise. I've had one bottle of water, so that's a quarter done. I'll either walk later or do my cardio video. I'm trying to have all my water before dinner tonight. Dinner is at 6 so we'll see if I make it.

I had a shower epiphany this morning. I've started to eat when I'm angry. I used to eat when I was depressed, which a very dear friend and psychologist told me was anger turned inward. So, I think if I'm feeling that anger than it's a step in the right direction. Instead of getting sad and blaming myself I'm starting to feel that anger and directing at the right place. At least I'm trying to. Sometimes, I do misdirect it at my loving husband and my beautiful daughter. I'm working on that though.

So, before I go any farther let me state, I am in no way blaming anyone else for my actions. This is merely an observation of MY actions and an idea for what to do to counter my behavior. I don't want anyone to think I expect the people around me to change and work to not anger me, this isn't their problem. It is all mine. I don't expect people to walk on egg shells to keep me from overeating. I have to change my reaction to my anger.

Okay, so a few days ago, I got very angry at my husband. It doesn't matter why, we've worked that out. But it did make me think. I wound up going to the grocery store in the evening, which I really don't like to do, to pick up a couple of items I needed for dinner. I was seething. I was at the checkout line when I saw a big, and I mean big, Hershey's Symphony chocolate bar. It had toffee chips in it too. One thing I really love is toffee. I bought the chocolate bar. I figured I'd eat a bit of it and save the rest for another day. BIG MISTAKE. I wound up eating the whole thing. On the way home from the grocery store. I did it out of anger. I was mad at my husband and refused to talk to him about it. I wound up hurting me more than him. Except when I hurt, he hurts, so I hurt us both. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't even think, I just reacted.

So, what should I do the next time I am faced with anger at someone. Well, I've been pondering that subconsciously for a few days. This is where my epiphany comes into the picture. When I was in my early 20's I had 3 roommates. They used to make me angry all the time. I wasn't 140 pounds overweight then, so what did I do with that anger I wondered. Then while in the shower I remembered what I used to do. I would get really mad and walk out of the house. I would go for a long walk. I didn't walk to the store, or to the kitchen, I would walk around the neighborhood. I'd be gone for an hour or two sometimes just depending on how angry I was.

I've decided I need to start doing that again. I remembered how hard it was to be angry when I was tired from a walk. It takes a lot of energy to keep up that kind of anger. So, if I channel my anger at my husband, my daughter, my dad, God, the world, whoever into a walk I do two things. One, I change a scary and unhealthy behavior. Two, I get more exercise. I figure if my hubby makes me mad then I need to go walk until I'm so tired I can't work up the energy to be angry at him anymore. Then I need to go one step further and forgive him before I come in the house. If I can't forgive him yet, then I need to keep walking, I don't have all the anger worked out yet. Now, I know him and he (or someone else) will say, "That's a fantastic idea. But you live in snow country, what if it's snowing and not safe for you to be out walking?" Excellent question, I already thought of an answer. I have lots of exercise videos. I will come into the bedroom, close the door and do one or more of them.

So, I have a new plan and I'm ready. Go ahead, make me angry, I'll be back in a bit, after my walk, I'll have forgiven you for making me angry and be ready to discuss it rationally.