Losing It

You know sometimes I really question the wisdom of naming this blog "Losing It with Micki". Mainly because I'm afraid that people will think I mean losing my mind. Oh well, if they do, then at least they're not far off.

So, I weighed myself a couple of weeks ago and discovered I was up about 5 pounds from my starting weight. I probably should have adjusted my weight loss counter on the bottom of this page, but I really didn't want to show that I'd been gaining weight. Today I was only up one pound from my starting weight and I decided I could live with that number. So I adjusted my counter and it now says I have a one pound gain and 141 to lose.

I have been walking with Miss Goofy nearly every morning. And certainly every morning this week. It's been hard, but worth the effort. I actually feel much better when I've walked with her. And then after our walk I have been doing pull ups on the total gym that The Cranky Old Man bought a few weeks ago.

Worked Out

I think a better title for this post might be "Back to Training with The Bitch", but that wouldn't be nice. And it wasn't as hard today as it has been in the past.

I did my "Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred" video. It's only a 20 minute video, so I'll do some cardio later. Still, that woman really works your body. Makes you want to cry. Definitely makes me sweat. I'm starting to like that. Last time I did the video, I didn't sweat at all. Either I needed to step it up to level 2 or working harder on level 1. I think I needed level 2, but I was honestly afraid of moving to the next level.

I think I'm afraid of making any progress. In fact, thinking about it right now, terrifies me. I'm afraid of what will be expected of me. Right now, I can barely keep up with my day, what will it be like if I lose the weight? I'm just not sure what I can handle right now. I know that as I lose the weight I can handle more, but it just really scares me.

Exercising brings back so many painful memories and events. Interestingly enough, swimming doesn't do it to me. Just when I work out hard. Clearly, I need to work out more and deal with all that pain. If I can rid myself of it once and for all, then maybe I can start to live.

Oh Tormentors of My Soul

In case you missed it yesterday, I have a love/hate relationship with Peanut Butter M & M's.


I love them dearly. The sweet chocolate, the hard candy shell, the salty peanut butter. Heaven. I hate that they call out to me at 2 am and beg to come eat just a few. Okay, I'm not that bad yet. But they are a weakness for me. I know I shouldn't eat them, not if I want to actually lose some of the weight that I so desperately need to lose. Tragically, I also have a weird quirk I have to eat stuff like this in pairs. Crackers, cookies, M & M's, it doesn't matter what it is, I have to eat it in pairs. Or else, (are you ready for this?) my mouth feels uneven. And I'll wander around for hours feeling like that until I finally give in and go even it out. Even if I've already had 73 cookies, I have to go have one more just to even it out. Then I feel slightly off balance cause it's been so long since I had the 73rd one and have to have another. It's a sickness. Miss Goofy says I really need help. She may be right, I've listened to Get Drunk and Be Somebody 14 times today and I'm thinking I can't listen to it 15 times, then my ears might feel uneven.

Send help. Please. Send them soon. Miss Goofy begs you.

Introspective

So, I'm feeling a little introspective today. Okay, I'm not really. I feel good. I feel silly. I feel like, I feel like, like maybe I should stay out of the peanut butter M & M's. Wow, that's a lot of good sugar there. And so totally not something I should eat for fun. So, I think I should post before pictures and then pictures for every 20 pounds that I lose. God help me, I used to like this outfit.



Okay, so here are the pictures for July 22, 2008. I am so not posting my weight. Let's just say a lot. Well, I guess I need to kick this off now. Hopefully I'll have more pictures for Labor Day.

ETA: After seeing these pictures posted, I'm sure of one thing, I must stay out of the Peanut Butter M & M's not matter how yummy they are.

Clean Pool!!!!

I now know why our pool had been closed. It is kind of annoying but our managers closed it so they didn't have to do on any work on it since they were leaving. We have new managers. They are so nice. And the best part is they are working hard. I know because I've seen them working. And that includes cleaning the pool. It's so wonderful because the water was warm and clean. I love our new managers. They are so nice. I know I said that already but they are.

And I've set up a new challenge for myself. 1000 minutes of exercise between now and Labor Day. That's around 7 and a half weeks. So far, I'm up to 45 minutes. Go me. Actually it's not too bad, that's 135 minutes a week for 7 weeks. Plus an extra 55 minutes that I will get to this week. So, if I swim 3 times a week for the next 7 and a half weeks, I should not only meet my goal but exceed it.

Music Man suggested to me that the reason I am struggling to lose weight is kind of simple. I was doing really well before and losing weight and exercising everyday. The weight was melting off me. He thinks I wound up feeling ashamed that I hadn't done it sooner. It was an interesting thought. I'm not saying he's wrong. I'm not saying he's right. I think I need to think about it for a while before I know if he's correct or not. I suspect he may be right.

Sad, Sad Post

I don't know why our pool has been "Closed for Maintenance" 3 times since the beginning of May and twice since it opened Memorial day weekend. I do know that it makes it hard to swim though. That also makes it hard to exercise and to meet my challenge. It has been closed all week. The annoying thing is I have yet to see someone out there working. It sounds to me like they just don't want anyone swimming.

That wouldn't bother me except our rent went up $50 on June first. Oh well, I guess I'll have to exercise another way.

Maybe I can convince Music Man that whining counts as exercise. If I can convince him of that then I've got it made.

Swimming with my Honey

So, Music Man took today off so that we could leave at a decent hour to head for The Weather God and DolphinLady's house.

There two other reasons I'm happy about this: 1) He got to go swimming with Miss Goofy and I. 2) IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY!!!!!


Happy Anniversary, Honey. 10 Long Years!!!

Social Anxiety pt 2

I had an incident of anxiety the other day when I went to the bank. It made me start to think about why I started to feel nervous about going to the bank. It's not a fear of the bank being robbed, which is what Miss Goofy suggested. It's a fear of there not being sufficient funds for the check and the ensuing looks from the tellers.

When my ex-husband and I divorced, he sent me $50 child support twice a month. When he remarried, she took over sending the payments. I would receive the check and walk the half mile to the bank and cash it. Or attempt to cash the check. More often than not, I would be told there weren't sufficient funds to cover the check. That was bad enough but the tellers would look at me like I was a criminal. Hey, I'm not the one writing bad checks, that's your customer. Consequently, I learned to call the bank and verify the funds before dragging a 2 year old out into 100 degree weather to walk a half mile to the bank. Eventually, she started sending a check and when I called and said, "Yeah, there's no money in the account to cash this," she would Western Union the money to me. That would cost her an extra $12-13. It would have been simpler to just make sure she could cover the check, but hey it wasn't my problem. I think she thought that it cost me money to receive the money. For the record, it doesn't.

I was able to go cash a check from my dad the other day. I had bought a money order and sent it off for something for him and he had me just write a check to myself to reimburse me. I hate doing that, but at least I knew the check was fine.

So, that's one example of an anxious moment for me. I'll post more when I think of them.

PE with Miss Goofy

Miss Goofy and I went swimming this morning. I am really feeling it in my arms. I decided that rather than try to swim laps quickly, I would swim slowly using mostly my arms. They got quite a workout. It feels really good though.

I need to drink more water than what I have been. I am very thirsty most of the day and I know I'm dehydrated. I always feel so much better when I drink water and lately I'm not drinking anywhere near enough.

I have noticed that I sleep better when I exercise and if I'm drinking a lot of water then it doesn't matter how many times I have to get up to use the bathroom I fall right back to sleep. I also sleep deeper and wake up feeling more rested. Interestingly enough, I didn't swim yesterday and I was so tired this morning that I couldn't get up with Music Man at 5. I got up at 6 but it was the last thing I wanted to do. I'm tired now, but I know I'll feel better in the morning. I'm also finding that I'm dreaming more. It's interesting to me to have that happen.

Well, I need to make a list of what I'm taking on our trip to DolphinLady's and you can bet a swimsuit will be on the list. DolphinLady has a pool at her old and new apartment complexes.

Should I post pictures?

Okay, so I'm try to decide if I should post some before I lose the weight pictures. I am very self-conscious and really hate the way I look in pictures. But I'm wondering if I should do it anyway. What do you think? Would you like to see pictures of my pre-weight loss self?

I'll think it over and decide while I'm away for the weekend. If I'm going to then I'll try to post them on Monday.

Cyrstal Clear Pool

I love a crystal clear pool. I want to see to the bottom and not find a ton of leaves, paper, plastic, and bugs. Which was what we found on Friday morning when Miss Goofy and I tried to go swimming in the pool in our park. It was gross. We swam on Thursday and while it wasn't super clean it wasn't as bad as it was on Friday. We didn't have a chance to even try to go on Saturday. Sunday Music Man did some skimming of crud and we swam a little. Apparently the managers got the word because this morning it was so clean and pretty it was heaven. Until we looked at the spa, which I think is where they put all the dirt from the pool. It was pretty yucky, although I've seen worse.

So, we swam for 45 minutes this morning and maybe if Miss Goofy and I are lucky, Music Man may decide he wants to go swimming this evening. If his ankle is any better. Somehow he managed to injure it and if anyone knows how he did it or how to fix it, please let me know.

Real Food

So, I’ve done a lot of dieting in my life. No, really I have. You wouldn’t know it to look at me right now, as I’m rather, um, large. However, that is the truth. I didn’t say they were successful.

I tried a modified version of the Cambridge diet when I was around 9. Sadly, I now really don’t like milk shakes. I’ve tried Weight Watchers, Jillian Michaels, Overeaters Anonymous, some weird diet that my mom had where you eat certain foods in a certain order, things like that. They all have one thing in common: that’s not how my family and I live.

What I’m learning is that I can eat just about anything if I eat it in moderation and I exercise. Now I’m not saying I should eat runny eggs and bacon everyday, although I know a lot of people who have and died at the tragically early age of 80 something. I can’t eat the same thing everyday anyway, I get bored and honestly nauseous if I eat the same thing repeatedly.

So what am I doing and what do I mean by real food? Well, by real food I mean stuff that as much as possible isn’t processed. I’m making my own meals. I’m not using organic vegetables or super healthy, extra lean everything, just regular food. The only real freezer stuff I’m using is some frozen veggies. I’m even making waffle and pancake batter and cooking them myself. I feel better and fuller with less food. I’m not leaving anything out. I’m still eating foods I love, but I’m cooking them now.

Music Man and I discovered something important on our trip, once outside of California we found places that served sweet tea. We found that one it tasted better than tea we added sweetener to, and two that we weren’t hungry after drinking the sweet tea. The sugar in it helped satisfy our hungry. It was very enlightening to us. We had spent so long trying to eat really healthy food that was over processed and we were still hungry that we had forgotten how real food tastes.

We were still hungry because while all the “bad” stuff had been removed from the food, so had most of the nutrients and some of the “bad” stuff is necessary.

Music Man has been after me for years to buy some cook books and about two years ago I broke down and bought a Weight Watchers cook book. Not quite what he meant. Well, I few months ago, I found a Betty Crocker cookbook. I’ve been cooking almost exclusively from it since then. The food is very tasty. It’s fairly simple to make and we’re not gaining tons of weight. The only thing we haven’t been doing is exercising a lot. My thought and the experiment I plan to conduct is: I’m going to keep cooking from my Betty Crocker cookbook (along with a new Better Homes and Gardens and two from Reader’s Digest) and start doing some real exercise. We’ll see how I feel for the 4^th of July.

New Challenge

Okay so I think I've figured out what I'm doing wrong with the weight loss challenges. I'm so focused on losing weight that I'm missing the other component.

So my new challenge is to exercise for 400 minutes before the 4th of July. That's only 80 minutes a week or 20 minutes a day 4 times a week and I can do more if I want.

I think that's a good challenge for me to try and attain. Anyone want to join me?

Social Anxiety on Vacation

I just got back from vacation on Sunday afternoon. If you have social anxiety you can understand what a worry something like vacation to visit family you don't know can be. Especially if they are related to your spouse and you desperately want to make a good impression.

I hope that anyone who is about to go through this has the type of family that my husband does. Music Man's family was loving and kind. They went out of their way to make me feel comfortable and safe. I will never forget them for doing that.

My advice to all who are about to embark on such a journey is this:
1) Take allergy medication with you. The climate you are headed to may be different than you're used to and you don't know how it will affect you.
2) Get plenty of sleep before you arrive. Speak up to your spouse if you feel tired. Being well rested makes the time out with others much easier to handle and less likely to cause you to panic.
3) Try to drink and eat well. Don't over do it, but do eat and drink. You are less likely to panic when you are not hungry and when you're not thirsty.
4) If you just aren't comfortable staying with relatives, talk to your spouse before you leave. Try to work out a compromise on staying with relatives vs. a motel room.
5) Talk to people. It doesn't have to be deep and meaningful, just chat. It will help relieve the stress and anxiety.
6) Have fun, remember that's the point of vacation.

Social Anxiety

Okay so the past few weeks have been chaotic beyond imagination. Which is strange cause if you asked me what I've been doing, I couldn't tell you. No really, I know I've been busy. I just don't know what I've been doing.

Well, my birthday passed and I know I didn't meet my challenge. I'm not as surprised as I should be. I haven't been tracking my eating and I haven't been able to exercise everyday. Big mistake for both. I know I need to do both. I do also know that I have been eating real food. I'm not eating junk food. I've been cooking real food and getting full without overeating. Now I just need to work on exercising. That one is a little harder.

So on to the point of my blog for today. I have anthropophobia. Otherwise known as social anxiety disorder. What is it? Well, it's pretty simple really, I am afraid of being around people. To the point where it does interfere with my life. I'm working on it and somedays I am more successful than others days. So, why do I bring it up? Well, it's pretty common among overweight people. I described my symptoms to my wonderfully patient husband and we looked up phobias. That is one that most closely described what I feel. It's not a fear of leaving the house, which is what most people think I mean. I don't have a problem with leaving the house, it's being around the people. It absolutely terrifies me. I have trouble breathing and if it gets bad enough I am unable to be around people. That is part of why I want to live in the country. Music Man thinks the city will be better for my condition as I will have to be around people then.

So, for any anthropophobics out there: I hear you. You don't have to suffer alone. I'm with you all the way. In the coming weeks I will be posting some incidents that have happened to me along the way that have made my condition the way it is. My goal is to help anyone suffering like I do. Please understand that these incidents are very painful to me and until I told my husband about them on Friday night, I had kept them to myself. None of the incidents were criminal, just embarrassing to me. I think the only way to get over them is to talk about them and since this is where I share that kind of stuff, this is where I will share them.

I'll be gone for the next week and a half on vacation, but I will update when I get back. And I will post one of those memories.

Weekly Weigh In

Okay, I did my weigh in this morning. I had decided on Sunday that if I still hadn't lost weight that I would take Weight Watchers advice and switch for a week or two to the Core Plan as opposed to the Flex Plan. I lost 1.5 pounds this week. I'm not sure how I did it though. I ate a lot more fruit and vegetables. I also used nearly all my weekly points. I also only worked out twice this week. So I really don't know who I wound up losing weight. I'm happy I did I'm just trying to figure out how I did. Any thoughts or ideas, let me know. My best thought is I didn't eat enough the week before last. If you have any suggestions or ideas leave me a comment.

Tuesday's Workout

Well, I worked out this morning. I hurt. My left shoulder and right knee are both sore. And I am tired. I should sleep really well tonight. I probably won't do my strength training tomorrow. My muscles need a day to rest. I will do some cardio work tomorrow.

I had a healthy breakfast of oatmeal and yogurt. Lunch was a weight watchers frozen dinner. Dinner will be meatloaf and lots of healthy veggies.

I've had 2 bottles of water and 2 glasses of Crystal Light. And I keep having to go to the restroom. Guess the water is working. I feel pretty good though considering how tired I am. I just wanted to update on that.

Oh and I didn't lose any weight this past week. But I did take my measurements and found that I have lost some inches in nearly my whole body. Pretty cool, huh?

Rough Weekend

So, this weekend was a little rough. It seems that the harder I make work my body, the rougher the down days. I had a lot of painful thoughts going through my head this weekend. Some I shared with Music Man. Some I kept to myself. Not because I couldn't share them with him, more because I was tired of sounding so sad and like I was hurting all time. I honestly felt at times like I did nothing but complain and tell these horrible stories of awful things that have happened to me. The worst part is he knows most of them.

Dr. Laura says that when you're depressed you should "behave as if you're not". Easier said than done, I know but she's right. Actions are not feelings. If you behave as though that's how you feel then eventually that is how you feel. That doesn't mean you should run from your feelings either. You have to let yourself feel them in order to work through them. However when you're with other people, don't let your feelings control your actions.

So, I'm going to work through controlling my actions and not letting my feelings control them. I plan to think before I speak. Okay I plan to try. At least for today. We'll see how it goes from there.

Pain and Working Out

I was working out this morning and when I finished with my workout and was cooling down before my shower, this thought popped in my head. I stop working out periodically because it hurts. I know that sounds kind of like a duh! moment but there's more to it. When it hurts I begin to feel alive. And when I feel alive, emotionally I hurt. I start to remember all these painful events in my life. After a while it starts to hurt so much that numb is a welcome relief.

My mother told me a story from when she was in her early 20's. Her brother had been in a motorcycle accident and had recently died. She had been feeling sorry for herself, which was understandable, but not very helpful. She had asked the question why was this happening to her. Now, understand she and her brother were very close and she was hurting a lot. Mom's grandmother, well she got annoyed with Mom feeling so sorry for herself. She looked at my mom and said, "Why not you?" My mom was stunned. How could her grandmother, who she adored, be so cruel in her moment of agony. Gram went on to explain.

"No one gets out of life without hurting. If you're in pain, then you're alive. And that's better than the alternative."

I know she didn't say anything about the good times, or times when she was happy. She didn't comfort my mom, she didn't reassure her, she just insisted my mom look at reality. My mom should be grateful for the pain cause it meant she wasn't dead. Pain was a gift. It hurt but it was better to live with the pain than to be numb and dead inside.

I've been numb inside for 15 years. Gram was right. Pain is hard but it's better than numb.

Time to workout more and feel more alive. It may hurt for a while but if I keep it up eventually all the pains and injuries will subside. And alive will be full of joy and happiness.

Thank you Gram. Thank you God.

30 day shred

Okay, I haven't updated. I've been sick and injured. I haven't been able to workout in a couple of weeks. I changed that this morning. I'll get to today's workout in a minute.

First, it really sucks to look so forward to spring just to be hit by allergies. I have been so congested for about a month that I'd think I'm losing all sense of smell except I can still taste food. And anyone who has studied the human body knows you have to have a sense of smell in order to taste. So, let's just say my sense of taste is impaired.

Second, never harass your daughter and put your hand behind her back. In the middle of your horse play there is a good chance she will sit back and your wrist will bend the wrong way. (Not your fault Miss Goofy, I take all the blame!) In any event that was on her birthday, which was about a week ago. This is the first morning I didn't care how bad it hurt I was going to workout anyway. Thank God for Aleve. I will be using it today. Probably more than I should.

Third, Music Man bought Jillian Michaels' new DVD, 30 Day Shred, for me. For some reason I was stupid enough to ask for it. Now, I know she didn't do the video specifically for me, but I do have to say, "I think that bitch is trying to kill me."

Okay that wasn't fair or nice, but it is a tough workout. It's only 20 minutes. But I put more into that 20 minutes than I usually do in an hour workout. Wow, are my muscles burning. I feel really good though. Course, I'll probably pass out around 9 but, I'll feel good until then.

As for my challenge to myself. The first week I gained a pound. It was Easter weekend though so I feel like one pound wasn't too bad. Last week I lost that pound. So, I'm back to where I started. Not where I would have liked but, at least I'm not further behind.

So, I have 20 pounds left to lose by my birthday. I have just over 4 weeks. I'm going to have to really watch what I eat, (count those points) and make sure I exercise everyday. I can at least get out and walk. In fact, I think I'll try and do that this afternoon. Assuming it doesn't rain like it's threatening to do. And I need to go grocery shopping this morning. I am going to try really hard to just buy healthy stuff. Although I was really good and kept track of the Easter candy I ate. I do need to have an idea of what to buy though, so I'm going to end this and go look at recipes. I should have done that yesterday, but I was swollen in the sinuses and not much got done.

Have a great day and I'll try to keep updating.

Birthday Challenge

Okay, I have a weight loss buddy in Alaska. We became buddies on Jillian Michaels website. She issued me a challenge 4 weeks ago to lose weight by St. Patrick's Day. I didn't meet my goal. I did lose 4 pounds. After gaining a few. So I've issued her a challenge now. My birthday is in 6 weeks. I am going to try for 20 pounds. Who is with me? 20 pounds is a little over 3 pounds a week. If you are careful about what you eat, and exercise this is a very doable goal. You have to make sure you eat enough food and that you exercise, but it can be done. If you are in, leave me a comment and check back every day for updates!

Thursday Afternoon

I bounced out of bed this morning at 5 am. Excited and ready to face the day. Well, at least ready to make Music Man some breakfast. Which I did do. I made him egg whites with low cal cheese, turkey bacon and two whole wheat waffles. He actually did enjoy them.

After he left for work I got dressed and started my work out. Tuesday when I last did my video I felt like it was too easy, so this morning I stepped up my enthusiasm and moved from the 2 lb weights to the 3 lbs. Now I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I double up the weights when I'm using them. So, I went from 4 lbs to 6 lbs. My legs were jelly when I was done. I also was finally able to do all 4 of the modified push ups she has you do. It starts with a big breath, you bend at the waist and put your hands on the floor. Step your feet back into the plank position. Slowly lower yourself down, I forget what she calls it. Once you're all the way down, push your shoulder up into the up dog position. Hold for a minute. Tuck your feet under and push up into down dog. Hold it. Step your feet back up to the hands, slowly roll up, take a big breath. Doesn't sound like much, but trying doing it four times. When you haven't been exercising. It's a tough series of moves. But I felt so much better for doing it.

After that I got my shower and finished bottle 1 of the day. Miss Goofy got up and I made her and I some egg whites with cheese and turkey bacon. There is a song by Travis Tritt called Great Day to be Alive. It was running through my head this morning. Well, the chorus was.

It goes: And it's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes, There's some hard times in the neighborhood, But why can't every day be just this good.

That's how I felt this morning. Maybe it's the wind, which is gusting here, I've always been energized by the wind. In any event, I went grocery shopping and have just had a really good day with Miss Goofy. We bought really healthy food, and laughed a lot. Driving home was a struggle with the wind, but God was watching over us.

Time to fess up though. We did stop at Carl's Jr for lunch. I probably shouldn't have done that. Seriously if I'd known that a double bacon western was 22 points, we would have dealt with the crowd in Arby's. Well, I feel better now. I'll walk with Music Man tonight and maybe do a cardio workout in a few minutes. Gotta burn it off somehow, besides I can't seem to sit still today. It must be the wind.

Music Man will probably like it. He enjoys it when I'm wound up like this. Wish him luck.

Wednesday Night

Okay so it's been almost a week. I've been busy and distracted. So, here is what's new with me. I decided that the Jillian Michaels program by itself wasn't working so good for me. I love her workouts and a lot of her recipes. Her weight loss buddy system is wonderful. I have trouble keeping track of calories though. And I've never understood about the percentages of carbs, fat and protein. I can't seem to keep track of it. And I bought a really nice food journal. So, I did what I know I can do. I started Weight Watchers online. I've had success with them before. I like the program and I can keep track of the points much easier.

I worked out yesterday morning and had all my water. Today I went for a walk with my husband after dinner and had three quarters of my water. I've used 3 of weekly allowance points. I feel pretty good about how I'm doing. I plan to work out tomorrow morning and then go grocery shopping. I'm going to try and just get healthy food. Shop the outside of the supermarket.

I'll take water with me, I'm trying to stay hydrated. It should be a good day. I'll post about it when I can.

Thursday Morning

Okay, I've gotten my power sculpt video in, so that's 30 minutes of exercise. I've had one bottle of water, so that's a quarter done. I'll either walk later or do my cardio video. I'm trying to have all my water before dinner tonight. Dinner is at 6 so we'll see if I make it.

I had a shower epiphany this morning. I've started to eat when I'm angry. I used to eat when I was depressed, which a very dear friend and psychologist told me was anger turned inward. So, I think if I'm feeling that anger than it's a step in the right direction. Instead of getting sad and blaming myself I'm starting to feel that anger and directing at the right place. At least I'm trying to. Sometimes, I do misdirect it at my loving husband and my beautiful daughter. I'm working on that though.

So, before I go any farther let me state, I am in no way blaming anyone else for my actions. This is merely an observation of MY actions and an idea for what to do to counter my behavior. I don't want anyone to think I expect the people around me to change and work to not anger me, this isn't their problem. It is all mine. I don't expect people to walk on egg shells to keep me from overeating. I have to change my reaction to my anger.

Okay, so a few days ago, I got very angry at my husband. It doesn't matter why, we've worked that out. But it did make me think. I wound up going to the grocery store in the evening, which I really don't like to do, to pick up a couple of items I needed for dinner. I was seething. I was at the checkout line when I saw a big, and I mean big, Hershey's Symphony chocolate bar. It had toffee chips in it too. One thing I really love is toffee. I bought the chocolate bar. I figured I'd eat a bit of it and save the rest for another day. BIG MISTAKE. I wound up eating the whole thing. On the way home from the grocery store. I did it out of anger. I was mad at my husband and refused to talk to him about it. I wound up hurting me more than him. Except when I hurt, he hurts, so I hurt us both. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't even think, I just reacted.

So, what should I do the next time I am faced with anger at someone. Well, I've been pondering that subconsciously for a few days. This is where my epiphany comes into the picture. When I was in my early 20's I had 3 roommates. They used to make me angry all the time. I wasn't 140 pounds overweight then, so what did I do with that anger I wondered. Then while in the shower I remembered what I used to do. I would get really mad and walk out of the house. I would go for a long walk. I didn't walk to the store, or to the kitchen, I would walk around the neighborhood. I'd be gone for an hour or two sometimes just depending on how angry I was.

I've decided I need to start doing that again. I remembered how hard it was to be angry when I was tired from a walk. It takes a lot of energy to keep up that kind of anger. So, if I channel my anger at my husband, my daughter, my dad, God, the world, whoever into a walk I do two things. One, I change a scary and unhealthy behavior. Two, I get more exercise. I figure if my hubby makes me mad then I need to go walk until I'm so tired I can't work up the energy to be angry at him anymore. Then I need to go one step further and forgive him before I come in the house. If I can't forgive him yet, then I need to keep walking, I don't have all the anger worked out yet. Now, I know him and he (or someone else) will say, "That's a fantastic idea. But you live in snow country, what if it's snowing and not safe for you to be out walking?" Excellent question, I already thought of an answer. I have lots of exercise videos. I will come into the bedroom, close the door and do one or more of them.

So, I have a new plan and I'm ready. Go ahead, make me angry, I'll be back in a bit, after my walk, I'll have forgiven you for making me angry and be ready to discuss it rationally.

Wednesday

It took me until nearly 7:30 but I finally got all 4 of my bottles of water drunk. Yeah!!!! Go Me!!!!
I didn't get in a workout or anything like that but I did get my water done. It seems to be one or the other with me.

So, tomorrow I'm going to write down all the stuff that goes through my head that is negative. Then I will come up with a positive response. Should be interesting.

Hopefully tomorrow I won't be sore and can workout again and drink all my water. We'll see.

Tuesday Afternoon

So, I plan to lose 140 pounds total. Wow that seems like a lot. I know I can do it. I have all the tools I need. I have a wonderful family that is supporting me. I have a weight loss buddy. I have lots of videos and a beautiful California spring. I've already lost 10 of those pounds. Now I have the journal to keep me going.

I worked out today. First time in...well too long. I feel pretty good right now. I'm not sore and I'm not overly tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night, but I will fix that tonight, I hope.

I need to drink more water today too. I've only had one 24 oz bottle and around half of a second.

For dinner tonight we are having either Flank Steak cooked on the grill or a beef stew. I'm leaning toward cooking it on the grill. I probably should tenderize it and marinate it first.

I'd like to do a cardio workout today before I go to bed, I'm not sure if I'm going to get to it or not.

Well, that's all for now.